Confusion

As promised, I am writing another post, since work did not actually kill me today. A lot has been happening in my life lately, besides working a busy 9-5, or in my case, actually, more of a 6-6, since I commute. I did not anticipate that graduation from college would lead me into a work life with twelve hour days. So please excuse the lack of posting lately!

Lately, I’ve been dating quite a bit, as well as hanging out with the ex. She drove up to the city to visit this past weekend, and I have to admit, I had a great time. I don’t know if it was the comfort from seeing her again in this city that is still relatively new to me, or if it was because we actually do get along very well. It was probably a mixture of the two.

The more interesting part of this story was the reason I asked her to visit. I had discovered a few weeks ago that she was casually talking to a potential romantic interest, and that just about tore me apart. I remember the night I found out, I could not sleep at all, and my heart was racing so fast that I had to take medication to calm myself down. My breathing was erratic, and my heart felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest. It’s strange how sometimes, when you let something go, you only let it go in hopes that someone else won’t pick it up. And when someone does, well, you go crazy.

This turned me onto dating many people at once. Casually, of course. I went out on two dates that week, even with people that didn’t particularly interest me. Anything to take my mind off my ex, I thought. If my ex was casually dating, I would casually date. What was silly about the whole ordeal was that I was dating to lessen my feelings of jealousy. Indeed, these people did take my mind off of my ex, but I didn’t know why I was dating them, other than to make myself feel less lonely.

I’m losing my sense of individuality. Being so incredibly focused on finding someone else to complete you, in effect, leaves you feeling incomplete. There is such great importance in being comfortable with being single, and with being an independent person. Only when you are comfortable and happy with who you are by yourself, can you be a wonderful half of a relationship. I’m happy with who I am, and I’m comfortable, but I feel like I’m starting to sacrifice my own goals and interests in order to find someone. It is at that point that you have little to offer in a relationship.

It’s incredibly easy to lose sight of your goals and individuality when you’re feeling lonely. It is incredibly easy to seek immediate gratification through the company of others when you are not ready for a new relationship. Does every great relationship have to be preceded by an excruciating period of loneliness? Does trying to preoccupy yourself while waiting for “the one” leave you ill-prepared to be in the relationship that’s actually meant to be?

The twenty-somethings are such a confusing period of life. I can only hope that I will figure things out soon, either by screwing up royally, or by finding my head somewhere along the way.

 

The Perfect Scent

A couple of weeks ago, a friend and I went shopping downtown to search for our new signature scents. After all, we had been using our older scents for a while, and while they did smell good, we wanted something new. Using the same scent is comfortable and safe, but after a while, you don’t notice the smell anymore. It’s a new season – time to throw on some new eau du parfum!

As we browsed through Sephora, we went through a myriad of different scents. Florals, orientals, musky scents, bright scents, fruity scents…the options were endless. Each scent had its pluses, but also its minuses. Some scents came on too strong, while some scents faded quickly. Some scents were simple and pleasant, while others smelled simple at first, but as time passed, faded into complex and beautiful aromas you never knew existed after the initial spray. It became apparent that choosing a great scent that complemented our personalities and selves was going to be a trying process.

Finding the perfect scent that brings out the best in you and fits your personality and style is a lot like finding the perfect partner. There are so many scents to choose from, and sometimes you get so lost in the search that you actually numb out your sense of smell and can’t tell the difference between perfumes. There is a risk that comes with trying too many scents (numb nose, anyone?), and there is also a risk with trying only one and settling because “it smells okay enough.”

We spent nearly two hours scouring the shelves for the perfect scents to complement our personalities. After all, quality perfumes are often expensive. If you wanted to find the best scent for you, you had to go through many bad scents to finally find that special one. You had to be careful, because if you made your decision hastily and purchased the first perfume you thought smelled decent, you would probably go home and find out that you made the wrong decision. And for that decision, you would have paid dearly. Choosing your scent, like choosing your partner, was to be done carefully.

Marc Jacobs Daisy. Burberry London. Burberry Brit. Armani Code. Dior Poison (that one was a mistake!). So many scents. So many seemed to fit. I liked Burberry Brit and Armani Code. I also liked Kenzo. What was I to do? I liked them all for different reasons, and all of them seemed like they would have been good choices – ones that I would not have regretted. Was I supposed to be actively searching so hard for a perfume, I wondered? Or should I have just waited to run into a page in a magazine that happened to smell nice? Do you have to search for your soul-mate by sorting through masses of people? Or do you wait until you run into the man or woman of your dreams spontaneously? I wondered if my search for a perfume, like my search for my soul-mate, was supposed to be the product of many painful dates with many different scents.

I knew what I wanted. I wanted a perfume that smelled great initially, but then also surprised you by fading into the most complex, beautiful aromas with tantalizing and exhilarating notes that you never would have expected. I wanted a scent that would not remind me of any other scent – one that was truly one of a kind.

After several more aggravated spritzes of random perfumes, my friend and I left the store, feeling a little upset with our fruitless search. We left the store, discussing all the time we had wasted. “I’ll never find my signature perfume.” “It’s too difficult.” “Maybe we should just stop looking and we’ll just come across one that we like someday.” Someday. As we drove home, I kept catching whiffs of the Armani Code I had spritzed on the neck of my shirt.

Mmmm. I sighed. It smelled delicious. I went about the house, putting down my bags and began to wash the dishes. The magical, seductive scent of vanilla and hints of sandalwood teased my senses. I ignored it. I walked over to my computer and began to check my emails. A musky, beautiful, lightly spiced scent begged for my attention. I breathed it in and sighed. I went to bed.

When I woke up the next morning, I felt like I could still smell Armani all over me. It wasn’t there, but I couldn’t stop thinking about its delicious, mysterious, subtle aroma. It made me feel comfortable, and it felt like home. Then it hit me. The perfect perfume for you is the one that you try, that you perhaps walk away from, but that you still cannot manage to get out of your head. The perfect perfume is the perfume that lingers and stays on your mind, even when it’s not there. It’s the scent that captures your heart for the rest of your life.

I had to purchase it. I went back the next day, grabbed the bottle, and have never looked back. I’ve been in love ever since.

 

How Does a Quality Person Find Love?

Here I sit, in my room, listening to the lovely sounds of Norah Jones. Her music is calming, and incredibly romantic. The music coming from my ipod streams into my room, instilling a sense of calm, comfort, and peace in my heart. It’s amazing how music can alter your consciousness and your mood.

Tell me how you’ve been, tell what you’ve seen, tell me that you’d like to see me too…
‘Cause my heart is full of no blood, my cup is full of no love, couldn’t take another sip even if I wanted. But it’s not too late, not too late for love…

Norah’s voice sultrily streams out of my speakers, soothing me, telling me that I can find a love that’s as beautiful as the one I’ve always dreamed about. Something about her music tells me that everything is going to be alright. The calm of the melody tells me that there is somebody out there who wants a love like the one I want. There is someone out there, listening to the same soothing song, dreaming about a love that is yet to come.

I know that I will find love someday. I know that I am worthy of love. I just need to find the woman of my dreams, and I need to be the woman of her dreams, too. Part of me muses at the idea that sitting in my warmly lit room at midnight, listening to soothing jazz, and dreaming about a love to come won’t get me any closer to my dreams. But the larger part of me loves dreaming. The larger part of me, the hopeless romantic, is swooning and swaying to the melody of my perfect love.

Part of finding the love of your life is being found by the love of your life. Sometimes it almost feels like the stars have to align for something that amazing and powerful to happen. Maybe she’s sitting in her bed right now too, wondering if she’ll ever find the woman for her. Maybe she’s holding onto her pillow at night, dreaming of the day when that pillow will be replaced with the woman of her dreams. And sometimes, perhaps she cries at night, wondering if she’ll ever find love. I hope I find her. I hope she keeps holding on to those romantic dreams. I hope I keep holding onto my romantic dreams. And I hope one day, maybe, that the cosmos will shift, that the stars will circle, and that two bright, lonely stars in the sky will find their place next to one another.

And then we will sleep, never lonely, forever ours.