Beautiful love

Thinking about her makes me weak. Wrapped up in her arms is exactly where I belong. When I think about her, sometimes I feel so much love that I could cry. How did I get to be the luckiest girl in the world? Anywhere could feel like home, as long as I had her arms around me. I feel like I just discovered one of life’s biggest secrets. I’m so lucky. The world around me is colored with her love.

Memories I love: Sharing alpaca steak in Peru, noticing how beautiful she looked standing at the train station, running to her house covered in sweat last summer, waking up at 2PM, leaving her a note and wandering around her neighborhood, coming home to her smiles every day, cuddling close in the Fremont, not ever finishing the romantic comedy we started, pulling her down on the floor with me, sitting in her lap while drinking wine, pulling her closer in to me at The Cafe in San Francisco, taking road trips with her down south, stopping at Starbucks, grabbing In N Out, waking up early to go to Peru, seeing her go to bed early in my bed, smiling seeing how peaceful she looked, being surprised by her taking me to see The Phantom of the Opera, dancing with her in the Castro, noticing how sexy (and adorable) she looked swaying next to me, not seeing anyone else in the club but her, kissing her all night, having tea with her at Samovar, getting a text from her even though she was right next to me, cuddling closer to her in the middle of the night, walking up Bernal hill together, kissing her, working from home together on Fridays, seeing her smile, lean over, and kiss me, going to Love Sushi with her, wine drenched sunset nights in Carmel, fuzzy romantic memories, noticing how breathtaking she looked at dinner at the Foreign Cinema…

 

Love in the city

We had the most amazing weekend…going on a sunset cruise under the Golden Gate and around Sausalito, trying dim sum in Chinatown, watching a great movie at the AMC Loews theater downtown, biking through the city and across the Golden Gate, and sharing Irish coffee at the Buena Vista. It’s crazy how much I love her…sometimes I wonder if maybe we were just meant to be. Kissing her wearing our bike helmets while standing on the Golden Gate made me feel so unbelievably happy – I felt like I was falling in  love with her all over again.

 

A year later

…and I still get butterflies when she wraps her arms around me and pulls me in closer early in the morning. Happiness is waking up with her still holding me close, and feeling her breathing gently on my neck as she sleeps. How did I get so lucky?

 

I want you between me and the feeling I get when I miss you

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated.
Alphonse de Lamartine

The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected.
Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.
Carol Sobieski and Thomas Meehan, Annie

If I could grab a star in the sky every time I thought of you, the whole night sky would be in my palm.

Love is missing someone whenever you’re apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you’re close in heart. Kay Knudsen

Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it’s one day further from the last time you saw each other, it’s one day closer to the next time you will.

I want you between me and the feeling I get when I miss you,
but everything here’s telling me I should be fine,
so why is it so, it bothers below that I’m missing you every time?

I got used to you whispering things to me into the evening,
We followed the sun, and it’s colors, and left this world,
it seems to me, that I’m definitely, hearing the best that I’ve heard,.

So throw me a rope, to hold me in place,
show me a clock, for counting my days, down,
Cause everything’s easier when you’re beside me,
Come back and find me,
Cause I feel alone.

Whenever you go it’s like holding my breath under water

I can’t wait until you come back home from the trip. I miss you so much.

 

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Signing on today…

with nothing more to say than, God, I love this girl. Waking up with her every morning makes every day the happiest of my life.

 

What’s love got to do with it?

I realize that my blog is supposed to be about dating, love, sex and relationships – but even though that subject may be something I think about a great deal of the time, it (surprise) isn’t all that I think about. I think I’m going to take some liberties here (not that I never had these liberties) and write about whatever else is on my mind. I realized that the reason behind why I don’t update my blog religiously is the fact that I don’t always have something to say about love and relationships. Perhaps that’d make me a bad writer for a magazine, say, but this is just my blog, so I’m going to take advantage of the fact that I can do whatever I want.

It’s a foggy day out in San Francisco and Berkeley (I am in Berkeley at work, and can see the city from my window), and my crazy boss isn’t here. I could not be happier. That woman stresses me out. Just seeing her face brings my pulse up a couple hundred notches. She may think her presence here is good for productivity, but the fact remains that I get SO much more work done when she’s not around to raise my blood pressure. I am so glad she’s not here.

Anyway, on more of a romance note, I was recently introduced to this song by Jon Brion – Little Person. It’s got a melancholic feel, but at the same time, is strangely hopeful and beautiful. So for all of you out there searching for that other little person- this goes out to you.

 

You’re my favorite work of art

It’s 5:30AM, and I’m incredibly sleepy. I’m awake for no reason in particular – other than the fact that I’m enjoying my holiday by doing something that you definitely can’t do when you’re on your regular 8-5 work schedule. I’m staying up and writing a WordPress entry.

I’ve been with my girlfriend for about three months now. Not very long, but it certainly feels like we’ve been dating for longer.  I’ve never been so happy in such a mature, adult way. I suppose my past relationships have prepared me for this point in my life, where I can love someone in a way that isn’t immature, and feels positively amazing.

Sometimes I wonder if she’ll be mine forever. At this point, I love her so much that I can’t imagine anything else. She’s gorgeous…everything about her takes my breath away. She’s thoughtful, she’s playful, she’s passionate, she’s driven, she’s intelligent and she makes my heart melt. I admire her, respect her and adore her all at the same time. Just hearing her voice makes me giddy. I love her for all her thoughts, her love for her friends, the way she loves to cook, the way she hates having too many “things,” the way she loves travel, how she is always trying to practice Spanish, and for how much she loves her father.

Sometimes, when I look at her, I think to myself about how lucky I am that she’s mine. Sometimes she looks so beautiful and radiant from across a room that it feels almost unreal that I’m the girl she thinks about at night. I will never forget taking her to the airport at 4 in the morning, and snuggling with her in the car in the parking lot. I’ll never forget walking her through the airport and having breakfast with her in the terminal. Kissing her goodbye. She’s mine…all mine, and I couldn’t be more proud to say that she’s my girl.

The other day, I sat next to her as she played peek-a-boo with a little girl sitting at a table across from us. She looked so happy, so silly, and at the same time, so  beautiful. I don’t know why, but I fell completely in love with her after seeing her play with the little girl. I couldn’t stop laughing – not because the situation was funny, but because of how happy seeing her like that made me feel. I thought of her as a mother, and I thought of being there with her through that. She would be the most amazing mother in the world. I wouldn’t mind having kids if I got to see her so happy every day. God she melts my heart…

 

come on get higher

Come on get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire in the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love…

She is amazing. Every day I spend with her makes me fall harder and harder for her. Every little thing I learn about her as the days pass makes me respect and love her more. I feel so safe and warm whenever I am with her, and I feel absolutely happy and content in all our time together – regardless of what we’re doing.

At this point, I’ve let go of all bungee lines and torn apart all safety nets, and I am happier than ever. Just holding her hand makes me feel like the happiest woman alive. Sitting in the car with her, holding hands even while she dozes off as I drive is the best feeling in the world. I don’t think she knows it, but as we talk in the car, butterflies are rushing up and down my body, and my heart feels weak and proud because I know that she’s mine. I don’t think she knows, but when we are together, sometimes I feel so much love for her that it’s hard to contain it.

I remember holding her in my arms as we woke up this morning. I remembered that it was the morning of the one month mark of when we decided to become exclusive. I remember kissing her, pulling her close, seeing her smile and kiss me, and feeling overwhelmed with a hurricane of dizzying emotions. We lay there, snuggled close, and she reached up to stretch, smiling happily. She was the cutest thing in the world.

One of my favorite memories: Cuddling in bed, with her arms around me, holding me close. Listening to “The Nearness of You” by Norah Jones…feeling every word. Feeling her squeeze and kiss me gently at the end of the song. Feeling safe, feeling warm…smiling…falling asleep.

It’s probably too soon to feel this way.

All I know is that I can’t wait for the day when I’ll tell her that I’m falling for her….

(…that I love her?)

 

Confusion

As promised, I am writing another post, since work did not actually kill me today. A lot has been happening in my life lately, besides working a busy 9-5, or in my case, actually, more of a 6-6, since I commute. I did not anticipate that graduation from college would lead me into a work life with twelve hour days. So please excuse the lack of posting lately!

Lately, I’ve been dating quite a bit, as well as hanging out with the ex. She drove up to the city to visit this past weekend, and I have to admit, I had a great time. I don’t know if it was the comfort from seeing her again in this city that is still relatively new to me, or if it was because we actually do get along very well. It was probably a mixture of the two.

The more interesting part of this story was the reason I asked her to visit. I had discovered a few weeks ago that she was casually talking to a potential romantic interest, and that just about tore me apart. I remember the night I found out, I could not sleep at all, and my heart was racing so fast that I had to take medication to calm myself down. My breathing was erratic, and my heart felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest. It’s strange how sometimes, when you let something go, you only let it go in hopes that someone else won’t pick it up. And when someone does, well, you go crazy.

This turned me onto dating many people at once. Casually, of course. I went out on two dates that week, even with people that didn’t particularly interest me. Anything to take my mind off my ex, I thought. If my ex was casually dating, I would casually date. What was silly about the whole ordeal was that I was dating to lessen my feelings of jealousy. Indeed, these people did take my mind off of my ex, but I didn’t know why I was dating them, other than to make myself feel less lonely.

I’m losing my sense of individuality. Being so incredibly focused on finding someone else to complete you, in effect, leaves you feeling incomplete. There is such great importance in being comfortable with being single, and with being an independent person. Only when you are comfortable and happy with who you are by yourself, can you be a wonderful half of a relationship. I’m happy with who I am, and I’m comfortable, but I feel like I’m starting to sacrifice my own goals and interests in order to find someone. It is at that point that you have little to offer in a relationship.

It’s incredibly easy to lose sight of your goals and individuality when you’re feeling lonely. It is incredibly easy to seek immediate gratification through the company of others when you are not ready for a new relationship. Does every great relationship have to be preceded by an excruciating period of loneliness? Does trying to preoccupy yourself while waiting for “the one” leave you ill-prepared to be in the relationship that’s actually meant to be?

The twenty-somethings are such a confusing period of life. I can only hope that I will figure things out soon, either by screwing up royally, or by finding my head somewhere along the way.