The Bisexual Girl

I am falling for a girl (who happens to be bisexual) faster than you can say “shank me in the face!” Which is, to some lesbians, basically what happens when you fall in love with a bisexual woman. Except exchange “face” for “heart” and you’ve got yourself the end result.

I don’t quite understand it, but something about her simply just melts my heart. And my poor little heart is cowering in the corner, shaking, trying desperately to hide behind something – anything. But everything the girl does tears apart anything my heart tries to place in the way. It must be her eyes. Or maybe it’s her gorgeous brown hair. Maybe it’s the way she holds my hand, or maybe it’s the way she cuddles at night. I am entranced by the way she speaks so passionately about her life. I am charmed by her wit and her magnetism. And the way she looks when she smiles does nothing short of take my breath away.

The way the butterflies race through my body every time I see her or get a call from her should make me the happiest woman in the world, but in reality, it scares me. It scares me to death. Knowing that she has had serious boyfriends in the past, but not a serious girlfriend worries me. She has explained to me that she has fallen in love with women in the past, but ease was what caused her to pursue relationships with men for the most part. Until now. Now, she tells me, she wants to pursue a relationship with a woman. What makes her so sure? I’ve seen photographs of her and her ex-boyfriends, and I wonder if she’ll ever be able to share with a woman what she shared with them. I wonder if she wants to end up with a woman in the end, or if she plans to break her next girlfriend’s heart by leaving her for a man once she finds a suitable husband. It is the undeniable truth that being in a relationship with a man is much easier in today’s society than being in a lesbian relationship with a woman. How important is ease, and how important is love? And does the sex of your partner, (assuming you are bisexual) have an effect on the depth of love you feel for them?

She prefers women, she says, but I wonder if this is true. I wonder if my ever faster falling heart will be able to take the blow should she decide that being with a woman isn’t right for her. The fear of pain grips my heart, telling me to be careful, telling me not to let go. Every photograph I see of the girl and her ex-boyfriend hurts me slightly, causing me to add another lock onto the case surrounding my heart. I don’t know if I should let go. Especially if letting go means breaking my heart. I’ve had my heart shattered to pieces before. Having that happen again isn’t number one on my list of things to do in life.

Falling in love, however, is. And that’s what makes this so hard.

 

An Older Piece – “Yeah, I have a….boy..friend.”

I don’t know what to say when people inquire about my love life. Example: Today at work, my coworker Samantha starts talking to me about boys, and then asks me if I’m in a relationship. I say yes, and then she starts asking about my “boyfriend.” I don’t know how to tell her that I actually have a girlfriend, so I humor her and say that our relationship is really great, blah blah blah. She then goes on to tell me about the type of guy she usually goes for, and then asks me about my type. I go on to tell her that I like guys with swimmers’ builds, pretty eyes, brown hair, and money. The whole time, I feel like I’m fronting; I feel like I really should have said, “Well, I have a girlfriend.” This sort of thing has happened 3 times today, and that’s why it’s on my mind. While working at the coffeeshop today, I saw my co-worker Laura talking to a guy whom she seemed to be really friendly with.
“Is that your boyfriend,” I ask.
“Yeah,” she smiles. “I don’t mean to be a stalker or anything, but I saw on Facebook that you’re in a relationship now.”
“Oh, yeah.”
“So you have a boyfriend? That’s cool.”
“…Yeah.”

 

Out and Proud…and Happy

I had a dream that a group of people and I were evacuating some building because there was some sort of shooting going on. And then all of a sudden, someone pointed at someone in an accusatory manner and said, “Lesbian,” in a demeaning tone. And the girl who was pointed at just raised her head, smiled, and brushed it off in a good-natured way by saying, “Yep, that’s me!” And then I jumped into her arms, and she held me super close, smiling, and it was the best feeling in the world.

 

Protected: What I’m Looking for in a Girl

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How Lesbian Are You? (Signs of Lesbianism)

It is my goal in this post to be offensive, to be humorous, and to adhere to outdated stereotypes.

1. You like the Indigo Girls
2. You like Ani DiFranco
3. You watch the L Word
4. You like Tegan & Sara
5. You enjoy Melissa Etheridge
6. Every time you watch a movie, you search for lesbian references or hints of lesbianism.
7. You think Ellen DeGeneres is amazing
8. You know what people mean when they say “See you in August!”
9. You know what the upside-down triangle stands for.
10. You like hummus
11. You have a cat, or two, or 3,000
12. You know what the Dinah Shore Weekend is all about.
13. You know these movies: “Better than Chocolate,” “D.e.b.s,” and “But I’m a Cheerleader”
14. You like comfortable shoes
15. You have been on a softball team, or are on one
16. You like the WNBA
17. You enjoy hockey, football, or rugby
18. You have a fascination with cars and know how they work
19. You have ever had to say something like, “yeah..i’m going out next weekend with my…uh…boyfriend.”
20. Your current girlfriend has dated your one of your ex-girlfriends or your friend’s girlfriend and you have also dated your friend’s girlfriend.
21. You enjoy wearing plaid
22. You like to shop in the mens’ section
23. You know what people mean when they reference “toasters” with regard to lesbians
24. You know why Palm Springs is special
25. You go to sports games to watch the cheerleaders, and when they kick up their legs, you blush madly.
26. You have been secretly in love with your best female friend before.
27. You are vegan or a vegetarian.
28. You’re really into organic foods and co-ops.
29. You live in a co-op.
30. You’ve ever listened to your favorite love song and substituted “her” for “him.”
31. You instinctively scan every girl you’re interested in for rainbows, rainbow paraphernalia, or the all too common bisexual inner wrist tattoo.
32. You have many tattoos and piercings.
33. You are connected by 2 degrees of separation to every other lesbian on the planet.
34. You own a black, studded belt. And you wear it with EVERYTHING.
35. You own a lot of t-shirts and tank tops.
36. You own tons of band t-shirts.
37. You care deeply about mother earth
38. You’ve had a HUGE crush on at least one of your female teachers.
39. If you’ve ever painstakingly gathered information in an attempt to find out if any of the L word characters are actually gay.
40. If your alcoholic drink of choice is beer.
41. If you think t shirts that say “i’m not gay but my girlfriend is” are funny
42. If you’ve ever done country line dancing
43. If you enjoy references to beavers
44. If you wear boxers to sleep
45. If you feel a strange but powerful pull towards basketball shorts
46. You plan on going on a cruise with the Oliva Cruise line someday.
47. You are SO glad Angelina Jolie is bisexual.

 

Protected: An Unsent Letter from the Past

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Lazy Mornings…and straight girls

You looked so cute coming down the stairs this morning. I couldn’t help but smile at you as you walked down the stairs towards me, having just woken up. You brushed your hair back a little and smiled back at me. “How did you sleep,” I asked, as my chest filled with warmth.

 

Love. Why is it So Elusive?

I watched a movie a while back called “Les Poupees Russes,” and it was absolutely amazing. The movie includes some very interesting quotes about dating and love. Some of my favorites: My thoughts are in italics.

Wendy: I know most girls they get weak on their knees for what’s beautiful, you know, that’s all they see, that’s all they want. But I’m not like that. I don’t just see what’s beautiful. I fall for the other stuff. I love what’s not perfect. It’s just how I am.

Is love supposed to be beautiful? Maybe love is meant to be imperfect. Maybe love is meant to be painful, and slightly harsh. Maybe the boring relationships are the relationships that never experience fights and turmoil. Maybe part of the beauty of love and relationships is the pain that you experience. Why is it that the most challenging relationships are the ones you fall for the hardest, and the most stable relationships are the ones with which you get bored? Why are the best foods in life unhealthy? Why is asparagus (quite possibly the nastiest vegetable on the planet), so healthy? Does love function in this paradigm as well?
Wendy: Maybe the day to day dirt is part of love.

Xavier: What’s all this shit about love? How do we get so nuts? The time we waste! When you’re alone, you cry, “Will I find her?” When you’re not- “Does she love me as much as I love her?” “Can we love more than one person in a lifetime?” “Why do we split up? All these fucking questions! You can’t say we’re uninformed. We read love stories, fairy tales, novels. We watch movies. Love, love, love…!”

Xavier: If I think about all the girls I’ve known or slept with or just desired, they’re like a bunch of Russian dolls. We spend our lives playing the game dying to know who’ll be the last, the teeny-tiny one hidden inside all the others. You can’t just get to her right away. You have to follow the progression. You have to open them one by one wondering, “Is she the last?”

I’ve been thinking a lot about love lately, and how hard it is to find. Some relationships come easily, while other relationships have you practically bending over backwards just to get a kiss on the cheek. I wonder about the quality of these relationships. Is it really true that the relationships you find most challenging, are the most worthwhile? Why is it that the most effortless relationships often turn out to be the relationships that don’t leave you breathless like the other ones? I once came across a quote that stated, “Nothing worth having in this world comes easy.” I wonder if this statement is true when it comes to relationships.

People often say that their most successful relationships have come to them by chance. Those relationships came out of nowhere, when those people were done with searching for a relationship, and done with the pain that came with trying to search for the one. Those relationships came when they stopped the search, began to focus on themselves, and bettering their own lives. This dynamic is reflected in a scene I once saw in a movie, where a woman was describing her search for the perfect relationship.

She discussed searching in a field for ladybugs, spending hours to no avail. Finally, after nearly a day of searching, she was so tired that she fell asleep in the fields. When she woke up, there were ladybugs all over her.

Are we supposed to leave something as important as our love lives to the tides of fate? Is fate the only thing that will ever bring us together? Is it even possible to find someone who will make you feel complete? I often think about my past relationships and can clearly see why none of them have worked out. As someone who is still somewhat of a romantic idealist, I dream about the day when I will meet the perfect woman – the day when I will finally know why none of my past relationships have worked out. But sometimes, I also wonder if that day will ever happen. Does “true, one-and-only, soul-mate love” really exist? Or is it just a tale fabricated by all-too-beautiful movies and the random trashy romance novel?

I can see why many people in modern relationships today choose to “blend,” as one character in the movie, “Kissing Jessica Stein” so eloquently put it. Her theory was that it is impossible to find just one lover to fit all your needs, and that you need to find multiple lovers to satisfy all your needs. One for when you’re bored, one for when you’re horny, one for when you’re hungry, and maybe one for when you’re sick.

But still, something deep down in my heart, though slightly crushed by my increasing cynicism, is still waiting for the one I’ve been waiting for. The one who can make me the luckiest girl in the world.