Confusion

As promised, I am writing another post, since work did not actually kill me today. A lot has been happening in my life lately, besides working a busy 9-5, or in my case, actually, more of a 6-6, since I commute. I did not anticipate that graduation from college would lead me into a work life with twelve hour days. So please excuse the lack of posting lately!

Lately, I’ve been dating quite a bit, as well as hanging out with the ex. She drove up to the city to visit this past weekend, and I have to admit, I had a great time. I don’t know if it was the comfort from seeing her again in this city that is still relatively new to me, or if it was because we actually do get along very well. It was probably a mixture of the two.

The more interesting part of this story was the reason I asked her to visit. I had discovered a few weeks ago that she was casually talking to a potential romantic interest, and that just about tore me apart. I remember the night I found out, I could not sleep at all, and my heart was racing so fast that I had to take medication to calm myself down. My breathing was erratic, and my heart felt like it was going to beat right out of my chest. It’s strange how sometimes, when you let something go, you only let it go in hopes that someone else won’t pick it up. And when someone does, well, you go crazy.

This turned me onto dating many people at once. Casually, of course. I went out on two dates that week, even with people that didn’t particularly interest me. Anything to take my mind off my ex, I thought. If my ex was casually dating, I would casually date. What was silly about the whole ordeal was that I was dating to lessen my feelings of jealousy. Indeed, these people did take my mind off of my ex, but I didn’t know why I was dating them, other than to make myself feel less lonely.

I’m losing my sense of individuality. Being so incredibly focused on finding someone else to complete you, in effect, leaves you feeling incomplete. There is such great importance in being comfortable with being single, and with being an independent person. Only when you are comfortable and happy with who you are by yourself, can you be a wonderful half of a relationship. I’m happy with who I am, and I’m comfortable, but I feel like I’m starting to sacrifice my own goals and interests in order to find someone. It is at that point that you have little to offer in a relationship.

It’s incredibly easy to lose sight of your goals and individuality when you’re feeling lonely. It is incredibly easy to seek immediate gratification through the company of others when you are not ready for a new relationship. Does every great relationship have to be preceded by an excruciating period of loneliness? Does trying to preoccupy yourself while waiting for “the one” leave you ill-prepared to be in the relationship that’s actually meant to be?

The twenty-somethings are such a confusing period of life. I can only hope that I will figure things out soon, either by screwing up royally, or by finding my head somewhere along the way.

 

How to Tell if He (or She) is Just Not That Into You

Something I’ve written based on my experience as a girl who is just not that into (you).

She waits 2-6 hours to return your calls or texts. (If she were really that into you, trust me, she’d be returning your calls/texts within the hour, at LEAST. Unless she’s got a truly viable excuse that she doesn’t use all the time. i.e. My mother called me crying, and we talked for two hours, so I wasn’t able to get back to you.)

You are always the one initiating texts and/or calls. If she were into you, she would be calling and texting you at least half the time (give or take a few). If you feel like you’re constantly the one chasing her, you ARE. You know why? She’s just not that into you. If she were really into you, you’d be on her mind all the time, too. And she’d make a conscious effort to make you somewhat of a priority. Even IF she does text/call you back 2-6 hours later with an incredibly sweet text, DO NOT BE DECEIVED. It is overcompensation. People who are interested in you WILL text you back somewhat promptly, because they are excited to hear from you/communicate with you! If there is always a consistent delay, you have a problem.

She constantly makes excuses about why she didn’t call you/text you/return your texts/have time to hang out with you. When this starts happening consistently, trust me, it’s over (or nearly over.) You’re about to get dumped, baby. If she were into you, she wouldn’t be putting off texting you or calling you. She’d WANT to hear your voice.

If you have to text her 3 times to get back 1 text, think hard about if she’s really into you. Unless she has a TRULY busy schedule that makes it impossible for her to get back to you. If she were into you, she’d make the effort, even if it was difficult.

When you try to plan things in the future with her, she changes the subject, starts cracking jokes, or does not offer definitive answers. That’s a HUGE sign that she doesn’t really see a future with you, or is considering breaking up with you.

You always have to say “I love you” first. This one is debatable since it depends on certain factors (like her expressiveness, your expressiveness, etc., but it is an important consideration.)

She makes a major change in her appearance. (Moving on to better pastures, maybe?) Major changes in appearance reflect changes in heart in some way, shape or form.

She seems like she’s always in a hurry to get off the phone with you. (This one is pretty self-explanatory. If she liked you, she would make time for you – even if it meant diminished study time, or less sleep.)

Diminished interest in sex. (Diminished interest in sex could mean diminished interest in you, or a relationship with you. No one wants to have wild, passionate sex with someone they want to break up with. There is some leeway with this one, however, because it could also just mean high stress, low sex drive/other health factors/religious factors.)

You feel like you’re putting forth way too much effort. (You are. Your instincts are good indicators.)

She belittles your problems/seems disinterested in your life. (This one should be pretty blatant.)

The biggest indicator, I believe, is the making of EXCUSES. Excuses about why she didn’t call, why she can’t hang out with you, or why she’s been “distant” lately. People only make excuses about things they DON’T want to do. It’s a defense mechanism. Unless those excuses are rare, and well padded with ways she’ll make it up to you/scheduled rain-checks, and an actual sense of embarrassment about letting you down, they indicate loss of interest. If you’re getting EXCUSES more than half the time, chances are, she’s going to be EXCUSING YOU out of her life…soon!

The best course of action if your relationship is rampant with these indicators is: Back off (stop calling/texting all the time), get a life (meaning become very active in your own life and with your own friends), and consider moving on to someone new.