Thoughts and Feelings


Thinking about her makes me weak. Wrapped up in her arms is exactly where I belong. When I think about her, sometimes I feel so much love that I could cry. How did I get to be the luckiest girl in the world? Anywhere could feel like home, as long as I had her arms around me. I feel like I just discovered one of life’s biggest secrets. I’m so lucky. The world around me is colored with her love.

Memories I love: Sharing alpaca steak in Peru, noticing how beautiful she looked standing at the train station, running to her house covered in sweat last summer, waking up at 2PM, leaving her a note and wandering around her neighborhood, coming home to her smiles every day, cuddling close in the Fremont, not ever finishing the romantic comedy we started, pulling her down on the floor with me, sitting in her lap while drinking wine, pulling her closer in to me at The Cafe in San Francisco, taking road trips with her down south, stopping at Starbucks, grabbing In N Out, waking up early to go to Peru, seeing her go to bed early in my bed, smiling seeing how peaceful she looked, being surprised by her taking me to see The Phantom of the Opera, dancing with her in the Castro, noticing how sexy (and adorable) she looked swaying next to me, not seeing anyone else in the club but her, kissing her all night, having tea with her at Samovar, getting a text from her even though she was right next to me, cuddling closer to her in the middle of the night, walking up Bernal hill together, kissing her, working from home together on Fridays, seeing her smile, lean over, and kiss me, going to Love Sushi with her, wine drenched sunset nights in Carmel, fuzzy romantic memories, noticing how breathtaking she looked at dinner at the Foreign Cinema…

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We had the most amazing weekend…going on a sunset cruise under the Golden Gate and around Sausalito, trying dim sum in Chinatown, watching a great movie at the AMC Loews theater downtown, biking through the city and across the Golden Gate, and sharing Irish coffee at the Buena Vista. It’s crazy how much I love her…sometimes I wonder if maybe we were just meant to be. Kissing her wearing our bike helmets while standing on the Golden Gate made me feel so unbelievably happy – I felt like I was falling inĀ  love with her all over again.

…and I still get butterflies when she wraps her arms around me and pulls me in closer early in the morning. Happiness is waking up with her still holding me close, and feeling her breathing gently on my neck as she sleeps. How did I get so lucky?

Sometimes, when we’re cuddled close in bed, and I can feel her arms around me, holding me tight, I imagine a ring around her finger. I feel butterflies rushing through my body like wildfire. When I consciously think to myself, “I’m lying in bed with my wife,” I feel so weak and so proud that I can hardly stand it.

Thinking about her makes me smile while I’m driving to work on a rainy Friday morning.

I have the toothbrush head. What does this mean? Well, if you’ve seen any Sex and the City episodes, you might know what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the scene in the series where Carrie scores one of the attachable heads on Big’s electronic toothbrush at his place. She gets the pink tip, and he keeps the blue one. When you receive the toothbrush head, it’s a sign of moving forward. You have a large enough place in someone’s heart and life that you are worthy of keeping one of his or her toothbrushes at his or her place. There can only be two toothbrush heads. One pink and one blue one, or a pink and a pink or a blue and a blue one depending on your preference.

When she told me I could keep one of the toothbrush attachments at her place for use in her home, I was thrilled. Of course I kept my feelings of delight inside. “Thanks,” I said, feigning nonchalance. My heart was dancing in dizzying circles in my chest.

We’ve been spending a great amount of time together lately. Since I last posted, I’ve met her friends at a backyard pool party, and have stayed at her place countless times. It feels like we are together. At this point, we probably are, but we haven’t talked about it quite yet. Nonetheless, it feels amazing.

It feels amazing to walk down the street with her hand in mine, and it feels amazing to feel her arms around me when we stand on the escalator in the BART station. It feels amazing to have several of her clothing items at my place still, and it feels amazing that I left my earrings, BART ticket and some DVDs at her place. It’s like part of me is hers, and part of her is mine.

“If I left anything at your place, just let me know,” I say.

“Yeah, because you’ll <i>never</i> see them again,” she jokes.

I love waking up with her arms around me, and I love feeling her kisses on my neck and shoulders. I love the way she sighs and giggles into the side of my neck as she holds me in bed. I want to be with her all the time, and I’ve never felt this way before. She is a constant song that I can’t get out of my mind.

Her laughter is like music on a sunny day in the park. Her goodnight texts are the perfect way to end a long day. I don’t care if I get hurt. I can tell that she’s worth it.