Ex Sex

[Disclaimer: I am in no way advocating ex-sex. In fact I consider it highly detrimental, and a huge step backward.]

Ex-sex. It’s hard to properly enunciate if you say it fast. It’s also hard to predict what will happen after an encounter of that nature. You know what people say. Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it. It’s nothing but trouble. For some reason, after a couple of glasses of wine, and some reminiscing about the past, it feels as though there is no other alternative. Particularly when your ex is sitting on your lap, with her legs wrapped around you, practically pleading with you for one (or several) last times.

This is what happened this past weekend, when I drove down to south to visit my friends, and told my ex that I would drop by on the way back up to the city. As it turns out, dropping by turned into more of a night over, especially since I was tired after a long day of being in the car. And sleeping with her arms around me just seemed so appealing, especially considering the alternative – a longer drive home, in the dark, only to fall asleep, exhausted, all by my lonesome. Shame, shame, shame…I know. I am only human.

The feeling of her lips on mine again was intoxicating – perhaps even better than it was when we were together. I knew it was because of the forbidden aspect, but that didn’t prevent it from being an irresistible experience. The more she kissed me, the more I resisted, but after her arms wrapped around me along with her legs, and after I caught the scent of her delicious perfume, resistance was futile. My morals and restraint were all shot to hell. Besides, I thought, I loved her, and part of me loved her still. The soft jazz playing in the background made it near-impossible to avoid the ominous, vilified phrase: Sex with the Ex.

“What will happen if we do this?” I asked, terrified of what it could all mean.

“Nothing…I promise I won’t want a relationship out of this.”

My fears were somewhat abated. I let my defenses fall. I let it happen. It was incredible. Why is sex with the ex always so exhilarating, so passion-filled and so amazing? I’m sure we all know the answer. It’s wrong. And you think it will never happen again. All the more incentive to make it unforgettable. I felt the warmth of her body against mine, I smelled the sweet scent of her pretty hair, and I lost myself in what felt like the passion that only comes from your first love. I was deluded, no doubt, but the rush was undeniable.

We spent the remainder of the night cuddling just the way we used to – her arms around me tight, holding me from behind. I felt so safe. I sighed and leaned into her warmth. I woke in the morning to kisses. I could get used to this, I thought. But I still knew that this was something that would never last. Why the body and emotions will sometimes never align with the mind is something I will never be able to understand fully. I spent the remainder of the drive up north listening to emotional love songs, thinking of her. My emotions ran amok, while my mind calmly told me that I should simmer down, since I knew we were incompatible.

“Sex with an ex can be depressing,” Samantha Jones, of Sex and the City muses, “if it’s good, you don’t have it anymore. If it’s bad, you just had sex with an ex.”

How true she was. And now, I am discovering the consequences of sex with the ex. My entire drive was spent glancing at cute texts filled with sweet nothings from the ex. Now she is a larger part of my life than she really should be. Now I feel more for her than I really should feel. Now my life is that much less open to the woman of my dreams, should she walk into my life.

Emotions are complex. Ideas about always following your heart are fueled by idealistic romantic comedies, books and poetry that wish that the world were perfect. In a perfect world, we could all follow our hearts and live happily ever after. In the real world, it seems that a combination of logic and emotion must mix to create the perfect elixir for finding lasting love.

“Why won’t you just follow your heart for ONCE?!” My ex once exclaimed.

“I do,” I answered. But look what happens when you follow JUST your heart and completely ignore your head.

Not all love works out in the end. Even if it were the most pure, real, and strongest of loves. As John Mayer’s song Split Screen Sadness goes, “All you need is love is a lie, cause we had a love but we still said goodbye, now we’re tired, battered fighters.”

Love may not always last forever, and it does not always end in wedded bliss. There are a myriad of reasons why a love affair can end. But what I think we can be thankful for, in the very end, is the fact that love happened.

 

Taking the Plunge

Romance...

Why is it that every time you go out with someone you really like to watch a movie, you always end up seeing a movie with the rough caliber of Jeepers Creepers 2, Gigli and From Justin to Kelly? I’ve never understood it, but every movie I have ever watched with a potential romantic interest has ended up being a violent snore-fest. Either that or it made me want to shoot myself in the eye. And the whole time while you’re watching the movie, the only thing you can concentrate on is your physical proximity to your very sexy, warm and snuggly partner.

It’s a pity that so many movies, TV shows and even commercials make fun of the cliched yawn, stretch your arm, and put your arm around your partner routine. I was watching Get Smart the other night with a girl I liked, and if it wouldn’t have been so cookie-cutter to put my arm around her, I would have. Instead, I spent the majority of the movie struggling to get closer to her. Every inch I made towards her seat seemed to take an eternity. After the first fourth of the movie was over, our arms were finally in contact. At last. The next excruciating three fourths of the movie was spent over-analyzing her every movement, from the way she crossed her legs, to her giggles and leans, to the way she positioned her arms around her body. I think I was about to have a hernia. My blood pressure was doubling every half hour from the effort involved with analyzing, leaning, sighing, touching, and laughing at the appropriate times to achieve maximum closeness.

It’s painful when you’re unsure if your advances will be rejected, and when you fear rejection so deeply. It’s harder yet when you know that her reaction will probably either make or break your night out. After about an hour and a half of painful deliberating (and ignoring the awful movie), I finally decided to take a deep breath and just rest my head upon her shoulder lightly. I leaned back in my seat, snuggled up a bit closer, and quickly lay my head down into the side of her neck before I could think any more about it. To my surprise and delight, she actually leaned back into me, sighing happily. The relief! I was able to spend the rest of the movie finally at peace. Somehow the characters seemed funnier. The whole movie seemed brighter, and more romantic. She laughed more. I laughed more. The truth is, the movie wasn’t any funnier that it was before.

I felt the back of the seat digging into my side, but it didn’t matter. I liked being close to her. And she liked being close to me. And that was all I needed. Sometimes, a movie at a theater is only as good as her hand in yours, her whispers in your ear, or her head on your shoulder. We spent the rest of the night walking about town, holding hands, holding each other, and smiling inside and out. I held her in my arms as we waited for her bus to arrive. I kissed her softly goodbye. I felt butterflies. The bus left. She called me. More butterflies.

It’s amazing how much you can be rewarded once you let your guard down and put your pride to rest. There’s always the chance of being shot down, of being rejected, or of finding that your love is unrequited. But there’s also that chance that you’ll feel her hand in yours, that you’ll feel her light kiss on your lips, and that you’ll have one of the happiest nights of your life.

Those who risk nothing, gain nothing. Those who risk it all, have the opportunity to gain more than they could have ever imagined. And that, I think, is a risk worth taking.

 

The Perfect Scent

A couple of weeks ago, a friend and I went shopping downtown to search for our new signature scents. After all, we had been using our older scents for a while, and while they did smell good, we wanted something new. Using the same scent is comfortable and safe, but after a while, you don’t notice the smell anymore. It’s a new season – time to throw on some new eau du parfum!

As we browsed through Sephora, we went through a myriad of different scents. Florals, orientals, musky scents, bright scents, fruity scents…the options were endless. Each scent had its pluses, but also its minuses. Some scents came on too strong, while some scents faded quickly. Some scents were simple and pleasant, while others smelled simple at first, but as time passed, faded into complex and beautiful aromas you never knew existed after the initial spray. It became apparent that choosing a great scent that complemented our personalities and selves was going to be a trying process.

Finding the perfect scent that brings out the best in you and fits your personality and style is a lot like finding the perfect partner. There are so many scents to choose from, and sometimes you get so lost in the search that you actually numb out your sense of smell and can’t tell the difference between perfumes. There is a risk that comes with trying too many scents (numb nose, anyone?), and there is also a risk with trying only one and settling because “it smells okay enough.”

We spent nearly two hours scouring the shelves for the perfect scents to complement our personalities. After all, quality perfumes are often expensive. If you wanted to find the best scent for you, you had to go through many bad scents to finally find that special one. You had to be careful, because if you made your decision hastily and purchased the first perfume you thought smelled decent, you would probably go home and find out that you made the wrong decision. And for that decision, you would have paid dearly. Choosing your scent, like choosing your partner, was to be done carefully.

Marc Jacobs Daisy. Burberry London. Burberry Brit. Armani Code. Dior Poison (that one was a mistake!). So many scents. So many seemed to fit. I liked Burberry Brit and Armani Code. I also liked Kenzo. What was I to do? I liked them all for different reasons, and all of them seemed like they would have been good choices – ones that I would not have regretted. Was I supposed to be actively searching so hard for a perfume, I wondered? Or should I have just waited to run into a page in a magazine that happened to smell nice? Do you have to search for your soul-mate by sorting through masses of people? Or do you wait until you run into the man or woman of your dreams spontaneously? I wondered if my search for a perfume, like my search for my soul-mate, was supposed to be the product of many painful dates with many different scents.

I knew what I wanted. I wanted a perfume that smelled great initially, but then also surprised you by fading into the most complex, beautiful aromas with tantalizing and exhilarating notes that you never would have expected. I wanted a scent that would not remind me of any other scent – one that was truly one of a kind.

After several more aggravated spritzes of random perfumes, my friend and I left the store, feeling a little upset with our fruitless search. We left the store, discussing all the time we had wasted. “I’ll never find my signature perfume.” “It’s too difficult.” “Maybe we should just stop looking and we’ll just come across one that we like someday.” Someday. As we drove home, I kept catching whiffs of the Armani Code I had spritzed on the neck of my shirt.

Mmmm. I sighed. It smelled delicious. I went about the house, putting down my bags and began to wash the dishes. The magical, seductive scent of vanilla and hints of sandalwood teased my senses. I ignored it. I walked over to my computer and began to check my emails. A musky, beautiful, lightly spiced scent begged for my attention. I breathed it in and sighed. I went to bed.

When I woke up the next morning, I felt like I could still smell Armani all over me. It wasn’t there, but I couldn’t stop thinking about its delicious, mysterious, subtle aroma. It made me feel comfortable, and it felt like home. Then it hit me. The perfect perfume for you is the one that you try, that you perhaps walk away from, but that you still cannot manage to get out of your head. The perfect perfume is the perfume that lingers and stays on your mind, even when it’s not there. It’s the scent that captures your heart for the rest of your life.

I had to purchase it. I went back the next day, grabbed the bottle, and have never looked back. I’ve been in love ever since.

 

How to Tell if He (or She) is Just Not That Into You

Something I’ve written based on my experience as a girl who is just not that into (you).

She waits 2-6 hours to return your calls or texts. (If she were really that into you, trust me, she’d be returning your calls/texts within the hour, at LEAST. Unless she’s got a truly viable excuse that she doesn’t use all the time. i.e. My mother called me crying, and we talked for two hours, so I wasn’t able to get back to you.)

You are always the one initiating texts and/or calls. If she were into you, she would be calling and texting you at least half the time (give or take a few). If you feel like you’re constantly the one chasing her, you ARE. You know why? She’s just not that into you. If she were really into you, you’d be on her mind all the time, too. And she’d make a conscious effort to make you somewhat of a priority. Even IF she does text/call you back 2-6 hours later with an incredibly sweet text, DO NOT BE DECEIVED. It is overcompensation. People who are interested in you WILL text you back somewhat promptly, because they are excited to hear from you/communicate with you! If there is always a consistent delay, you have a problem.

She constantly makes excuses about why she didn’t call you/text you/return your texts/have time to hang out with you. When this starts happening consistently, trust me, it’s over (or nearly over.) You’re about to get dumped, baby. If she were into you, she wouldn’t be putting off texting you or calling you. She’d WANT to hear your voice.

If you have to text her 3 times to get back 1 text, think hard about if she’s really into you. Unless she has a TRULY busy schedule that makes it impossible for her to get back to you. If she were into you, she’d make the effort, even if it was difficult.

When you try to plan things in the future with her, she changes the subject, starts cracking jokes, or does not offer definitive answers. That’s a HUGE sign that she doesn’t really see a future with you, or is considering breaking up with you.

You always have to say “I love you” first. This one is debatable since it depends on certain factors (like her expressiveness, your expressiveness, etc., but it is an important consideration.)

She makes a major change in her appearance. (Moving on to better pastures, maybe?) Major changes in appearance reflect changes in heart in some way, shape or form.

She seems like she’s always in a hurry to get off the phone with you. (This one is pretty self-explanatory. If she liked you, she would make time for you – even if it meant diminished study time, or less sleep.)

Diminished interest in sex. (Diminished interest in sex could mean diminished interest in you, or a relationship with you. No one wants to have wild, passionate sex with someone they want to break up with. There is some leeway with this one, however, because it could also just mean high stress, low sex drive/other health factors/religious factors.)

You feel like you’re putting forth way too much effort. (You are. Your instincts are good indicators.)

She belittles your problems/seems disinterested in your life. (This one should be pretty blatant.)

The biggest indicator, I believe, is the making of EXCUSES. Excuses about why she didn’t call, why she can’t hang out with you, or why she’s been “distant” lately. People only make excuses about things they DON’T want to do. It’s a defense mechanism. Unless those excuses are rare, and well padded with ways she’ll make it up to you/scheduled rain-checks, and an actual sense of embarrassment about letting you down, they indicate loss of interest. If you’re getting EXCUSES more than half the time, chances are, she’s going to be EXCUSING YOU out of her life…soon!

The best course of action if your relationship is rampant with these indicators is: Back off (stop calling/texting all the time), get a life (meaning become very active in your own life and with your own friends), and consider moving on to someone new.

 

Thoughts on Life, From the College Years

Sept 17, 2006

I was sitting on the stairs the other day, looking through the old photos in my camera that I had not deleted. I was surprised at how far back the memories went. The pictures go all the way back to when I first moved out of my house. There are tons of photographs of the places in my house where I used to talk to my sister, photos of my baby dog back when he was still there and had so much energy that it actually got annoying trying to get a picture of him, photos of good times with old family friends, like the time we visited our old elementary school and thought about how those days used to be. There are photos of trips to San Francisco, and fun times we had riding up and down the Westin St. Francis’s elevator, old pictures of Christmas in the city with my family, a trip to the Getty, three beautiful cups of coffee on a night out in Santa Barbara, silly hats and old trains in Roseville, an ornate metal frog in a fountain on a warm sunny day, and most importantly the smiles of my friends.

When I look at those pictures, I think of the days gone by that have been captured. Those days where we used to go on trips…warm, sunny, carefree road trips to Sacramento, San Francisco, Huntington Beach, Orange County, and Mexico. And then I think about how things have changed. I’ve already moved, my dog isn’t here anymore, and I’m moving on to my third year of college. And with the third year comes stress – stress from added responsibility, stress from thinking about what comes after college, and stress from the changes that come with each new year. Things are changing, and we are slowly losing our innocence. Losing it to the madness that is finding out what we are doing with our lives, losing it to frustration that occurs when we realize that things aren’t really the way we thought they would be. Losing it when we realize that life is getting to be a lot harder than we had anticipated.

That innocence we had when those pictures were taken is reflected in our smiles – our excited, hopeful smiles that say we’re eager. We’re eager to dive into our newfound college lives, we’re happy, and we’re running toward our dreams. But somehow, some of that eagerness is lost along the way. We run into problems we’ve never had to deal with before, and we feel discouraged. Our childlike innocence fades. But I’m hoping that with the loss of innocence comes a maturity that grants us an ability to appreciate the beauty in life in a way we’ve never been able to before. I’m also hoping we don’t forget the friends who’ve been there with us through it all. Those friends who smiled those smiles full of innocence, hopes and dreams with us in the past. Those friends who’ve laughed with us on sunny road trips to far away places. We’re going to fall sometimes along the way, but I know we’re still going to build sand-castles and laugh and drink too many root beer floats along the way to adulthood.

And when we’re there, I think we’ll experience those beautiful moments where life seems to take on a sienna tint. Those moments where things fade into orange, glasses are raised, and you hear laughter.

 

Love. Why is it So Elusive?

I watched a movie a while back called “Les Poupees Russes,” and it was absolutely amazing. The movie includes some very interesting quotes about dating and love. Some of my favorites: My thoughts are in italics.

Wendy: I know most girls they get weak on their knees for what’s beautiful, you know, that’s all they see, that’s all they want. But I’m not like that. I don’t just see what’s beautiful. I fall for the other stuff. I love what’s not perfect. It’s just how I am.

Is love supposed to be beautiful? Maybe love is meant to be imperfect. Maybe love is meant to be painful, and slightly harsh. Maybe the boring relationships are the relationships that never experience fights and turmoil. Maybe part of the beauty of love and relationships is the pain that you experience. Why is it that the most challenging relationships are the ones you fall for the hardest, and the most stable relationships are the ones with which you get bored? Why are the best foods in life unhealthy? Why is asparagus (quite possibly the nastiest vegetable on the planet), so healthy? Does love function in this paradigm as well?
Wendy: Maybe the day to day dirt is part of love.

Xavier: What’s all this shit about love? How do we get so nuts? The time we waste! When you’re alone, you cry, “Will I find her?” When you’re not- “Does she love me as much as I love her?” “Can we love more than one person in a lifetime?” “Why do we split up? All these fucking questions! You can’t say we’re uninformed. We read love stories, fairy tales, novels. We watch movies. Love, love, love…!”

Xavier: If I think about all the girls I’ve known or slept with or just desired, they’re like a bunch of Russian dolls. We spend our lives playing the game dying to know who’ll be the last, the teeny-tiny one hidden inside all the others. You can’t just get to her right away. You have to follow the progression. You have to open them one by one wondering, “Is she the last?”

I’ve been thinking a lot about love lately, and how hard it is to find. Some relationships come easily, while other relationships have you practically bending over backwards just to get a kiss on the cheek. I wonder about the quality of these relationships. Is it really true that the relationships you find most challenging, are the most worthwhile? Why is it that the most effortless relationships often turn out to be the relationships that don’t leave you breathless like the other ones? I once came across a quote that stated, “Nothing worth having in this world comes easy.” I wonder if this statement is true when it comes to relationships.

People often say that their most successful relationships have come to them by chance. Those relationships came out of nowhere, when those people were done with searching for a relationship, and done with the pain that came with trying to search for the one. Those relationships came when they stopped the search, began to focus on themselves, and bettering their own lives. This dynamic is reflected in a scene I once saw in a movie, where a woman was describing her search for the perfect relationship.

She discussed searching in a field for ladybugs, spending hours to no avail. Finally, after nearly a day of searching, she was so tired that she fell asleep in the fields. When she woke up, there were ladybugs all over her.

Are we supposed to leave something as important as our love lives to the tides of fate? Is fate the only thing that will ever bring us together? Is it even possible to find someone who will make you feel complete? I often think about my past relationships and can clearly see why none of them have worked out. As someone who is still somewhat of a romantic idealist, I dream about the day when I will meet the perfect woman – the day when I will finally know why none of my past relationships have worked out. But sometimes, I also wonder if that day will ever happen. Does “true, one-and-only, soul-mate love” really exist? Or is it just a tale fabricated by all-too-beautiful movies and the random trashy romance novel?

I can see why many people in modern relationships today choose to “blend,” as one character in the movie, “Kissing Jessica Stein” so eloquently put it. Her theory was that it is impossible to find just one lover to fit all your needs, and that you need to find multiple lovers to satisfy all your needs. One for when you’re bored, one for when you’re horny, one for when you’re hungry, and maybe one for when you’re sick.

But still, something deep down in my heart, though slightly crushed by my increasing cynicism, is still waiting for the one I’ve been waiting for. The one who can make me the luckiest girl in the world.